Transitions, Smamitions, I Don't Want No Stinkin' Transitions!

So everyone knows puberty is a nightmare. Your emotions are all out of whack. Everyone tells you new and exciting adventures are about to happen, yet you have to say good bye to the old things you knew and loved so much. Good bye Barbies, hello Ken. How do some kids make the transition smoothly and gracefully like "it's no big thang"? While others (like me!) trip, stumble, fall through it until they finally (hopefully) catch their footing after much travail? There's rarely anything private about "the change."

Jerry and I have discussed this numerous times. We've decided puberty doesn't just happen once, but over and over again each time you transition to the next stage of life. When you graduate high school... college, job, move out, none of the above... all of the above?!? When you get your first real, grownup job... When you get your second real, grownup paying job... When you get married... When you have kids... And that brings me to my life today...

Getting married was not 100% smooth sailing, but probably 98%. After all, I'd spend decades imagining, planning, dreaming, writing out exactly what my married life was going to look like. I loved my husband and LOVED my married life... after all when you get a new last name like "Capozziello" how cool is that?!?

Having kids... not so much. Of sure... I always knew I wanted kids. Always thought I wanted five, four boys and a girl. Seemed like the perfect family number and design. But I never really spent much time on the dreaming side of the plan. When my friends had kids I would get excited and say "congrats!" but secretly thrilled I wasn't at that stage yet.

When I was in middle school I spent a ton of time babysitting - actually made pretty impressive money for a non-teenager. I was pretty good if I say so myself and I loved my little buddy more than anything under the sun and her mom... I knew when I grew up I wanted to be just like her!

Yet another transition gone array. Remember the tripping, stumbling, falling... that was me and my own puberty transition. What a disaster. And babysitting, along with my love of kiddos, was just one of the casualties. Fast forward to today... Now I have two babies of my own!

I love, love, love them. I have a good friend who had a similar perspective, read: fear, on babies). Shortly after the girls were born I told her, "It's amazing!! They are CUTER than puppies!!" And boy did I mean it - as if anything could ever be cuter than puppies. By golly gee wally... my lil' widgets are the best thing God ever did (well besides my husband, and Jesus, forgiving my sins... you get the picture)

But now what? I have these two kids that I just can't get enough of but what exactly is my life supposed to look like now? What happens to my fabulous career that I just love? What happens to my plan of being a stay at home mom? How exactly do you raise well adjusted, well mannered, children that love Jesus, respect their elders and are a joy to be around? I've read Proverbs 31... and I am struggling to believe that woman really existed.

I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. I know I have toddlers and that takes a lot of energy. I know I have two of them and that takes three times the energy. I know my husband lives 1200 miles from our real home. I know I'm carrying the literal weight of an extra person. I know all that but so what. I've never been slowed down by obstacles in the past. I've always embraced them and charged forward enthusiastically.

But this is different. This has almost stopped me dead in my tracks. I don't like it. How do I transition to this next stage? I want a list, specific instructions, a how-to guide. I always say I may not be creative but I'm a great emulator. So I need someone to emulate!

Are you not really a good mom if you work a traditional job? Do your kids suffer if they spend their days with a well meaning but nonetheless a stranger? How do they get your values? How do they get nurtured sufficiently? What if their caregiver doesn't love them as much as you do? What if she doesn't tend to every tear and tantrum the way you would?

How can you be a good, professional career woman if you have kids? If you give 100% during the day, what will you have left for your family? If you only give 70%, are you really willing to be a borderline "C" student at the office? Is it worth it? If you give it up, where will you get that great recognition for a rock solid project well done? Where will you get camaraderie from like minded folks? Where can you use, really, really use, the brain God gave and the education you paid dearly for to make a difference? If you embrace your career, what example are you setting for your children? If you don't embrace your career, what example are you setting?

Prior babies, I could go at 110mph. Maybe not as fast as my friends Sarah and Jeanie but I could hold my own in the game of multi-tasking. I loved my thriving career. I loved my thriving faith. I loved being a good wife. I loved my home remodeling, my growing friendships, volunteering, traveling, cooking, gardening. Bringin' home the bacon and fryin' it up in a pan baby!!!

So here I am. Smack dab in the middle of a transition. A well meaning but not so supportive friend recently said I'm not any fun to be around these days because I always seem to be sad. Well I don't know about all that but I do know I do not like change, or at least change without a solid POAM, that maps out the road to the end destination. I'm not crazy about swinging from a tightrope, or tiptoeing through quicksand, or even repelling down the side of a mountain. Where am I transitioning to? What am I leaving behind? What am I taking with me? What's going to be better? What will I miss? How do I get there? How will I know when I'm there? Where is there? So many questions, so few answers.

I'm practicing embracing the unknown (ya right - it's going to take A LOT of practice) but practicing nonetheless. I know that the other side of this transition is glorious, that the next stage of life will just confirm that life gets better and better! So embrace the transition I will. I don't promise to be graceful, patient or even enthusiastic about it but... once I figure it out... watch out world!